do not be discouraged, mama

I remember coming home from the hospital with my son when he was born.  He was my heart's delight.  For him I prayed so many times, and my deepest longing for another child had finally come to reality.  Those first few days were rough though. I remember being up with him almost all night the first night he came home. He cried and cried and I thought to myself, "What if this lasts 6 months...or even worse..? What am i going to do?" it was like a sudden dread. All he wanted was to be held and oh how I wanted to sleep.   But then in the wee hours, after i had rocked and sung, bounced and shhhhed; in the still of the night The voice of the Lord came upon my heart and said "this is your time to be with me. Draw near to me, my child, while you rock your baby.  Rest in ME, lean on ME, come to ME.

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

My children are still young and I have a lot to learn about life and motherhood, but in these past few years, if nothing else, I have learned that He is there.  He is with me.  He is with me when I am pleading for forgiveness for not spending time with him today and now I am just. too. tired.

When I have lost my temper, He is there, not giving up on me.  When I am praying as I fold the laundry and feeling guilty because I am being a multitasking prayer, He is there reminding me that He loves my company.  When devotions with my kids are not feeling enjoyable because they are arguing over who gets to pray first, and I am like "seriously?" He is there, reminding me of the victory that they actually want to do the praying.  And when I am sitting still in His presence with my coffee in the morning,( just how I would love to be every morning, but let's face it moms, that's pretty much impossible) I am so thankful.  I am reminded that HE IS THERE.  And I have so much to be thankful for. 

And I have come to realize that when my heart is focused on HIM, I can not help but smile and be thankful, because He is with me. And oh how He loves me.

Tonight as I was putting my toddler to bed, I layed there on the floor next to his bed thinking of all the other things i could be doing with this forty five minutes, (because that's where we are in the bedtime battles) and  that still small voice of the Lord said..."Come to Me, draw near to me, talk with me..." And once again, my heart calmed and filled with so much gratitude.  not for all I have, but for who He is.  I forgot about the work that needed to be done and just talked with my Jesus...

 "Come near to God and he will come near to you." James 4:8

He knows our hearts.  He knows we are busy and tired and overwhelmed.  But He is right there with us. So come to Him, no matter where you are, and let your heart fill with His joy and peace.  We can find it in this crazy thing called motherhood....

2014...the hardest year yet...

Wow! did 2013 REALLY go by THAT fast?? Yes, I believe it did.  It must be that I am getting older and all that stuff that "old" people used to say about time flying is becoming true! YIKES!

I have been contemplating this new year, and like most everyone else I have some things on my heart and mind that make up what I think 2014 will look like....

Well, I was trying to find a "life verse" for the new year...something really profound...something I had never noticed before...something new.  but as I prayed, God brought me back to the most basic verse that probably every christian knows and has quoted at some point or another.  It's Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  I didn't wonder  why He brought this to my heart.  I already know. 2014 is going to be hard.  it is going to be full of change, tears, what ifs, what might have been's....

You see, we have had the same two fosters for a week shy of a year.  We have been through some rough times, crazy times, wonderful times...growth, joy, sadness, disappointments, holiday memories, family court, therapy and lots and lots of love.  Lots of sticktoitness (if that's even a word).  Not giving up.  Trying to show these two what Jesus' never stopping love looks like. YES, I will love you when you punch me in the face! YES, I will love you if you spit on me! YES, I will love you when you break my things, tell me you hate me, scream at the top of your lungs, throw fits in public, and be completely thankless for my hard work.  YES, I will love you when you tell people all of the horrible things about me and none of the nice things, when you complain about the gift I give you that wasn't really what you wanted...I will still love you.  I will yell at you, and then apologize for yelling at you because I don't think that's what Jesus would want from me.  I will try my hardest and do my best to be the comfort that you need but don't think you need.  Even when I tell you for a year every night that I love you and you never say it back...I will still love you.  I will not be perfect for you, but I will love you, and I will not give up on you.

We have only been a foster family for a few years, but I can tell you that children do not stay in care forever.  So this year either they will go home to their mother, or we will adopt them.  It is hard to say right now which way it will go, So I wait on the Lord.  But either way, it will be difficult.  But the Lord has been working on my heart.  Reminding me that these children, along with my own are only lent to us.  His plan is so gloriously grander than my thoughts, and no matter what, He will take care of them. And us.

He will give patience when needed, mend the broken hearts,  give me the words to say when none of mine come out right, walk with us along this path and continue to carry us to our purpose.  He will use me, an ordinary person; us, an ordinary family, to do BIG things.  Like let two little children, who were given up on and kicked out, know that there is a God that loves them and people that love them.  And no matter where 2014 takes us, I can know with every ounce of my being Psalm 73:25-26.  "Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides You.  My heart and my flesh may fail; but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

So this year I throw out MY goals....my "I want to eat right and read more books goals." Just give me Jesus.  This year I will wake up every morning and say "good morning, God.  Where are we going today? Who will we love without limits today? How will we be your hands and feet today?" 

Just give me Jesus.

Because I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.